Alistair Whyte's Gamemaker Application

(01-11-2019, 04:49 PM)Ryte Lionheart Wrote: Neutral

Your events are alright, but you tend to just leave after a month or so after getting accepted for personal reasons, this has happened twice. What makes this time different?

Yes, this is a valid concern. The main reason I resigned the last time I was Staff was me believing myself not being up to the part. I felt like I couldn't deliver the quality that is to be expected from an SBS GM. Since this seems to be a concern many people share, I'll go a little more in-depth  on my reasoning and what ultimately made me resign, as an excerpt of my life at the time of those resignations. It is rather personal but all of you who have this concern to deserve an answer to why I acted like I did. I am not proud of it and I regret my resignation, but anyways, here is the in depth explanation:

Regarding my first resignation: When I got accepted the first time as a GM, shortly after I realized that what I was studying wasn't really for me and dropped out of university at my first run as a GM, finding a job shortly after, that I started in January. I feared that I would not have enough time to dedicate it to both work and being a GM (and I was sorta right, the first few months I was extremely busy). So the first resignation was mainly due to the new job eating up a lot of my time, learning a lot of new shit etc. The learning time for my job is rather long and you need to learn quite a lot of stuff, so I feel like that resignation was right at the time, as I actually was unable to dedicate enough time for those months. This was in January. Half a year later I felt like the worst was over and I should give it a shot again. Work was going well, I was still learning but it seemed the hardest part was over. At the time leading up to my resignation personally I have had quite a few issues with self-confidence, both as a GM and also irl as at the time I was still rather new at my job and had basically just finished training, being completely responsible for all of my actions at work. At the time I started to get anxious about my performance as a GM, we had quite a bit of work coming in and piling up as the company I work for was merged with another one, putting the spotlight on our personal performance, wearing me out and trying to sort of prove I can handle it without help. This however in turn sort of put a mental block on me regarding creativity, especially in relation to event ideas, I couldn't really relax or concentrate. My mental state wasn't very grandiose, I was stressed out, put even more pressure on myself as I wasn't able to chug out events or passive RP staff that I myself was satisfied with. I felt like they lacked in quality and in that state I was of no benefit to both the server and it was eating myself as well, feeling that at that point I might just be hogging a slot, especially seeing as other great potential candidates had applications up. I know this can be seen as mere excuses, however that's basically what my mental state was at the time and the actions leading to it, I'm not proud of it and personally I regretted resigning shortly after, as I truly did enjoy my time as a GM.

So how can I assure people this will not happen again and I can focus on being a GM again, without getting into any mental blocks that lead to me becoming self-conscious and stressed out? Ultimately it is a question of trust. No one can see into the future. I myself am confident it will not happen again, rather, I will not let it happen again. I have worked on my attitude, I have become  routined at work and am not as tired when getting home anymore, allowing me to put my mind towards event ideas and the like. I am no longer learning, I do not need to dedicate as much of my mind to it as I did before and it doesn't stress me out to that extreme amount any longer.

TL;DR All I can give you is my word that it will not happen again. I have thoroughly thought about this before reapplying. I can assure you, should I be given this chance I will not let the community down. Should I be made GM again I will give it my all and will not let myself get anywhere close to the state of mind I was in when I resigned again. I have only made this app because I am certain I will not let it happen again.

Regarding me replying to this, I asked Odin before and he said it was allowed for me to reply to Ryte's question (PM from Odin:
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RE: Alistair Whyte's Gamemaker Application - by Alistair Whyte - 01-11-2019, 05:50 PM

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